How To Beat A Monkey At Chess
by emosmol
Summary: Aaron Hotchner, Spencer Reid, Jason Gideon, and David Rossi try to beat a monkey at chess. What could possibly go wrong? Meanwhile, Jennifer Jareau and Emily Prentiss are having their own fun, while Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia watch them make fools of themselves.


So! This is a _Criminal Minds_ version of the video _How To Beat A Monkey At Chess: The Musical._ Some names and a phrase or two has been changed to fit, but it's still mainly the same thing. The lines of dialogue that are _fully_ in italics are lines from the song, while the others are pieces of dialogue from the video.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own _Criminal Minds_ or _How To Beat A Monkey At Chess: The Musical._ Those belong to CBS and Markiplier / MatPat / The Completionist / Random Encounters, respectively.

And one last note before we begin:

 _Aaron is the Markiplier of this._  
 _Spencer is the MatPat._  
 _Jason is The Completionist._  
 _David is the Random Encounters._

* * *

The _last_ thing Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner expected to be doing on a Monday morning was playing chess _with a monkey_. When asked later, he'd claim to not know _how_ the situation arose, just that, well, there he was... _losing at chess to a goddamn monkey!_ Now, he was no chess master, but he knew enough to beat a _primate_ at this sort of thing, surely.

Reaching out briefly, he mused under his breath. " _This piece takes that piece, but that piece then takes mine...I can't lose my rook while I'm lagging way behind! I'll play safe and wait for an opportunity...I won't let that cheeky monkey make a monkey out of me!_ " he finally moved a piece and leaned back, satisfied and a little bit smug...until the monkey stumped him. "You've gotta be kidding me!"

"Hey, Hotch, what're you up to?" Doctor Spencer Reid asked, strolling into his superior's office with a cup of coffee in hand. Evidently, it was to be a slow day for them.

"...I'm, uh..."

"Chess with a monkey, huh?"

"...Yeah."

"Need any help?"

"I think I can beat one little monkey," Aaron rolled his eyes, sliding a pawn forwards, only to be foiled _again_ by the damn monkey. God he hated that thing. "...How much time have you got?"

Spencer smirked, leaning down on the older man's shoulder. "Well, lucky for you, your old pal Spencer _just so happened_ to be the captain of his high school chess team...they used to call me _the pawn star,_ " cue a groan from Aaron and a quiet "yeah..." from the younger agent.

And some chattering from the infernal animal. So, once again, Aaron reached out to move a piece when Spencer interrupted. " _Wait, Hotch! Don't take it! That monkey's set a trap!_ " he gestured to the pieces as he spoke.

His hand stilled. " _He wants me to take it?_ "

" _He thinks you're quite a sap,_ " Well then. That was offensive. " _But check out this bishop! You'll take his piece for free!_ "

With that, realisation struck. " _And that monkey's got no chance to make a monkey out of me!_ " and he took the primate's piece with the bishop...but then the monkey took that, and both agents looked stunned. "...Resident genius, huh?" Aaron glared, arms crossed.

Spencer cringed, rubbing the back of his head. "Hey...it was just a theory!"

Then the door opened and closed again. "Alright kids, play time is over!"

 _Goddamn._ "Is that... _Gideon?_ " Spencer laughed slightly, looking at the older man, who now had a beard of sorts.

"In the beard."

Before anymore reunions could be had, Aaron cleared his throat. "Look guys, I think I've got this, okay?"

"You do now," Goddamn Jason Gideon...well, at least he knew how to play. " _Let's set a gambit! We'll take him by surprise..._ "

There would be more to that, had Spencer not cut in. " _Not really an option..._ "

" _He took, like, half my guys..._ "

Jason huffed, before _inspiration_ hit. " _Let's bring in the big guns, and force his king to flee-_ "

" _-So that monkey doesn't further make a monkey out of me!_ " with glee, the Unit Chief flicked aside the monkey's piece. And, as was par for the course, the monkey fucked them over...and threw a piece _smack bang_ into Aaron's forehead.

The ex-agent huffed yet again, hands on his hips. "Well. That's all I got."

"What?" Spencer was incredulous, while Aaron just looked annoyed.

"But you're _the chess master._ " the black haired man reminded him.

With a nod, Jason spoke like he was talking to three year olds. " _Yeah..._ and I'm _haven't mastered_ playing primates!"

Well, by now, Spencer was _over it._ "Maybe we should just let the monkey win..." he started, only to have his boss cut him off.

"No, no, that's okay, I _appreciate it_ , but I really, truly, _do not need_ anyone's help!"

For the _third_ time that day, Aaron's office door burst open, causing them all - even the monkey - to look over as SSA David Rossi entered. "Help! Did somebody need help?"

Leaning over, Spencer whispered in Aaron's ear. "What's he doing here?" hearing this, David started to speak, only to be interrupted by the recipient of the question.

"Nothing important."

Hearing the chitter, the Italian turned towards the monkey with a smile. "Oh, sweet! Is that a monkey?"

" _No_ , it's a hairy octopus." Jason drawled, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, you guys, I can translate! Uh, I'm fluent in monkey!" cue the sceptical looks.

Spencer laughed, shaking his head. " _Okay,_ I'm pretty sure that's impossible-"

"No, no, you know what? Sure, fine, why don't we try it? Go ahead!" Aaron sighed, slapping his hands on his suit clad thighs.

Taking a deep breath, David began to chitter, as the others looked on in both horror and fascination. What he said basically translated into _hello, a monkey! I talk in language well! Are playing a chess you? Your skill is very swell! My win wants to friend you, so loser will you be?_

...But he got a chess piece to the head for his troubles, while Spencer smirked and said, "I'm pretty sure it's our turn." then Jason threw _another_ chess piece at him, just for good measure.

Now, Aaron got serious. "Look, gentlemen, we're here gathered today as _representatives_ of _humanity!_ Against a monkey! How long have we been oppressed?"

"...Two minutes, forty-one seconds." David answered.

"No more! No longer!" Aaron continued. "We've been under the monkey's thumb for _too long!_ We can _beat this monkey!_ For our fathers, for our forefathers, for your beard!" That part was directed at Jason, who nodded. "For his not-beard!" At Spencer, who agreed. "For whatever you have!" he said to David, who resisted the urge to point out that it was a _goatee._ "A billion monkeys at a typewriter may be able to write Shakespeare, but _one monkey_ will not beat us today! I may ramble and not know what I'm talking about all the time, but we can _win!_ Together, as one!" at that, they all cheered together. "Yeah!"

Spencer was the first to talk after. " _One of these pieces..._ "

David continued with " _...has got to do the trick..._ "

Over to Jason. " _But how can we beat him?_ "

" _I'd recommend a stick..._ " Aaron chimed in.

" _...It's crazy..._ " David trailed off.

" _Bananas..._ " agreed Jason.

" _Insane..._ " and there was Spencer.

" _Completely nuts!_ " Aaron nodded, and moved a piece.

With mounting glee, Jason commented " _...but I think we made a monkey out of-_ "

Grinning, Spencer joined in. " _-Completely made a monkey out of-_ "

" _We finally didn't let a monkey-_ " David began.

Together, they cheered. " _-Make a monkey out of us!_ " they'd done it! They'd won! _Hallelujah!_ In awe, Aaron whispered "checkmate..." before they started cheering again.

Then the monkey flipped the board and ran off, leaving the four men stunned. "Sore loser of a monkey." Aaron taunted.

* * *

Down in the bullpen, SSA Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau looked over at SSA Emily Prentiss. " _Wow_ , chess seems pretty intense." she laughed.

"No kidding," Emily agreed, before looking down at their table. "What?! Three in a row..."

JJ sighed. "Son of a..." their opponent looked away. "...Well, I was gonna say gun..." she pointed out.

Frustrated, Emily waved her hands. "All right, you know what? Let's try this again. Best out of twelve!" then she and JJ went back to playing noughts-and-crosses against a _dog._

* * *

And where were SSA Derek Morgan and Technical Analyst Penelope Garcia at this time? Well, they were filming it _all..._ and making sure it was on YouTube within the hour.


End file.
